Hanging in the Balance

So I'm back in the place where I'm waiting in between the nervousness and the excitement about study abroad. I've been talking about it so much, and trying to prepare mentally and a little physically for it, but I think I'm a little overwhelmed. I'm really nervous about all the Spanish and stuff, but I'm starting to think about it more and more and how exciting it's going to be. And how different it's going to be. And I'm sitting here thinking about how different it's going to be and then I get scared and nervous again. It's this weird in between-y feeling that I don't like.

Our power went out the other night and my mom dug out a book of Neruda and Vallejo poetry. It's in Spanish, with an English translation on the page next to it. I started translating the Spanish last night, writing down and looking up every word I didn't know. It's kinda scary when you start filling pages of notebook paper with words. But I want to do it, and I need to improve my Spanish. Plus, I think it'd be thrilling to take poetry in Spanish. I could be completely nuts, but I think it would be really cool. My Mom's friend Augusta, who's from Iceland, told me that that's a great way to get an appreciation for the language and see the beauty in it. I dunno. It just seems wonderful.

I also plan on reading my Harry Potters in Spanish to try to get better. I think I might skip the first chapter because it's just annoying. But it should be fun. Especially now that I know how it all ends.

I think I'm going to make myself study Spanish every night until I leave. Do at least two poems and read a few pages of Harry Potter, and maybe do a chapter in my Spanish book, or a section, or something. That way, I'll feel better and feel like I'm doing everything I can to prepare myself.

I'm about to start making lists and cleaning and preparing. If anyone has suggestions to make my packing easier, let me know.

Done!

I finished Harry Potter yesterday, after a wonderful Saturday spent driving around the Detroit area to see people before they left for Study Abroad.

If anyone wants to discuss it with me, feel free to call me/IM me/email me. I'm always up for sitting on the phone and dishing about HP. And I have no one to talk to it about, yet. Jamie and I have already had our obsessive HP discussion. Woot.

Okay. Now I have to take my Spanish placement exam for Study Abroad. Oh gosh. I should've done that forever ago...

Harry Potter. The End.

I woke up super early this morning because, 1. I couldn't sleep, and 2. I'm going to get my place in line for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows bright and early this morning. Borders gives out wristbands and your place depends on the color.

My first thoughts when I woke up about 15 minutes ago were, "Oh my god! Harry Potter day has arrived!"

And now, I've been to Mugglenet, and subsequently JKR's website, where she has posted her acknowledgments for the Harry Potter series. I sat there, reading this long not about how thankful she is to many people, and I just...wanted to cry. Harry has been a 10-year journey for me. I have gone from a girl to a woman in the same time that Harry has become a man, and JKR has become a wealthy superstar writer. I don't know if everyone can appreciate how much Harry Potter has meant to me. Honestly, I don't think I can put it into words. And even though I am riddled with anticipation about what will happen to Harry and all the other characters, I also find myself hesitant to have it be over. I want to know what happens, and I'm still going to jet through the book, but what will my life be like now that all the guessing is over? What will happen now that Harry is gone, grown up, and either living his future, or dead? What will be my conversation starter with strangers my age? What will I find to cling to when I need to think about another world, another place than this war-ridden rock I have found myself on? How will I move past Harry?

People might make fun of me for saying all this, but it's dreadfully personal to me. I am who I am because of Harry Potter, and I would never trade my obsession for anything "more normal." I grew up with Hermione, who doesn't care what people think about her, and her brains. I grew up with Ron, and all his fierce loyalty and bumblings, which have made him so endearing. I have grown up with Dumbledore, and his wise advice about love. I have grown up with Snape, and have hoped for his redemption, and seen his hard work to right his mistakes. I have grown up with Neville, who I have fallen in love with because he is so strong in the face of so much. I have grown up with Harry, honorable, brave, and sometimes rash, Harry, who is a completely human character. He makes mistakes, and he does everything humanly possible to protect his family and friends. As he has grown, made mistakes, believed falsities and been so loving, so angry, so happy, so loyal, I have been all that with him, made those mistakes, tried to correct them, believed wrong things. I have been with Harry on this journey for ten years, and he has been on mine with me.

And tonight, at midnight, I will hold his future in my hands, bound and typeset. It will not change from what I see tonight. But I won't hold my future in my hands. Though I've lived with Harry for ten years, tonight, I'm done with him. No matter what happens to Harry, there will be no more anticipation to see what happens to him. No more living it in real time. I will never again be able to pretend that I'm eleven, waiting for my owl to bring my Hogwarts letter. I'll never again be able to pretend that I'm sitting my OWLS, or NEWTS. I won't be able to pretend I'm there with Harry, in the Gryffindor common room, or in Transfiguration class, or Potions. This is the end of an era. Our lives can no longer be parallel, and I'll have to move past Harry, back into this real world. Back to our real war. Back to the same violence, same corrupt political system, same perceived superiority of race, color, class. But this time it'll be real, and the magic will be gone. My time escaping to Harry and friends will end tonight, at midnight.

I am excited, but I am sad. I don't know if I'm ready to let go of this last standing pillar of my childhood. I've lived a decade with Harry. I've moved into womanhood. Harry is all that's left from my childhood imaginings. And tonight, I bid goodbye. Too soon, maybe, but it had to happen some day. Tonight, Harry will grow into an adult before my eyes, and no matter what his fate, when I close the back cover of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I will move on to my adult life, and Harry will be left to "the pages of the books to which [I] so desperately cleave."

Thank you, Jo Rowling, for giving me this gift. I would be a much different woman without it.

Oh goodness. All that's going on!

So a lot is going on right now. I finished a week of working more than ten hours (30 to be exact), and am going back to having time off. I seriously have this entire weekend off. From Friday to Sunday. No work. Woah. Awesome. I'm loving my job. Amanda and I have become great friends because she makes me laugh, and I'm apparently ridiculous. Diana and I have also become pretty good friends. We spent nine hours together on Monday (ay, dios mio!), but we have some measure of affection for each other now. We were preparing for a management visit and it was crazy at the store. We had shipment, and a thousand needy women in and out. Holy cow. But we managed. And we talked about Harry Potter.

Speaking of dear Harry, we're down to the last few days! Who's excited? I'm about to die, really. I'm running around all over the place talking about Harry Potter and making my game plan for the night of. Katie, David and I are all showing up at Borders at 8:30AM (it doesn't open until 9) to get our wristbands for places in line. My plan is to loiter around the front of the Borders from 11:00PM onward so I get a great place near the very front of the first fifty people. I'm also sealing my ears off so I don't hear any spoilers from people who've already read a leaked internet copy. Jerks. You ruin the magic!

Also speaking of Harry Potter, Julia and I got to see each other this weekend and squeee over the movie and upcoming book in person. It was wonderful except that she brought this jerk friend of her's, Tom, with us. She didn't realize he was such a jerk until that night. He was just a huge huge jerkface. He annoyed the crap outta me. But getting to see Julia outweighed it all. It was fantastic. I might be able to see her this weekend, too, which would be capital.

Speaking of capital, I'm Excited for Ecuador (with capital Es). Basically, I'm dying nervous as well. About tons of things. Today is the month away mark. I need to make lists. Lists of everything I need to get done/read. Lists of everything I need to pack. Lists of everyone I need to buy for. Lists of everyone I need to regularly email, etc. I'm dying. It's going to be a marathon to get there. I'm so glad I'm not leaving next week, or something. But still. Woah. It's too close. But at the same time, I can't wait. It's so close!

I love my friends!

Kaitlyn is going to come to the Fourth of July party! My parents just decided today that they're going to have it. And Kaitlyn can come! So yay! I have friends again! I also spent some time online tonight to talk to people. Yay for that. I've misssssed everyone.

My Dad and I made Yupra today. I'm psyched to eat it. I spent most of the evening with my parents outside in the yard looking at all the work they did in the gardens. I was awash with this feeling of utter contentment and peace. I've started to appreciate things like, for instance, the quiet in my backyard. And the stars being visible. And cool summer nights in my hammock. It was just really good. Really really good. The type of thing I'm going to miss...

New Month

So, this week has been both tiring and strange. I sorta don't know how it passed so quickly. I worked only on Thursday, Friday, and today, so what was I doing the rest of the time? I guess I was recovering from the wisdom teeth and eating bad for me food. And reading Harry Potter. Yeah. That's been my life.

My teeth are doing better. I've had some pain in the one that was impacted, but now I'm good. I'm eating most solid foods. Just avoiding chips like my life depends on it.

I got paid yesterday. I'm only going to make like $80 a week this summer. And I'm really nervous about what that means for paying for school. But I like that I get the time to relax. And I like my job. The people are nice. And it's kinda hard to mess this up. So I'm having fun. I also got 41% off this weekend, so I bought some really cute clothes. And just in time, too. Because the polka dot shirt I really wanted (which I bought on Thursday) was gone by the time I worked on Friday. I work all day tomorrow. It should be fun. Although I don't love the manager I'm working with...she's really nice, but sorta complains when she's asked to do stuff, even by customers! I worked with Amanda, the woman who hired me, on Thursday and Friday, and we just have fun. I love her. And Keena, the assistant manager, is fun because she doesn't give a shit, so we just hang out.

Now I've finished the last two Harry Potters in time for the movie/book releases this month. Who's excited?! I'm going to die when they come out. Even the movie. Aww man. Only 10 days until the movie, and only twenty till the book!!!

I need to start studying Spanish. And I need to see some friends. I haven't seen anyone yet. Mostly because everyone is living in other cities for the summer. But I keep realizing people are still in Chelsea. Like Athena. How could I forget Athena is still around? I should call Liisa and Carolyn and Mikaelyn, too. They might be around.

Um. K. I can't think of anything else to write. I'm kinda lonely, but not. It's a weird feeling. Like I'm happy to just hang out with my family when we can, and spend the rest of the time by myself. I feel like I've changed a lot this past year. In a weird way. I mean, at Christmastime I couldn't have handled having a job. Now, I'm like...work? Heck yeah. I love the Avenue. And last year this time I would be feeling very low and depressed because I'd feel like I have no friends. But I know I have friends. They're just not here. And that's okay. We're all adults. I don't have to be all needy and have to see them to be friends with them.